Listen up, mommies and daddies! For years you’ve been perfecting this parenting thing, getting in the groove with cool stuff to do to entertain and hopefully enlighten your offspring. You’ve scoured the magazines and events calendars for ways to occupy their idle time, but not too much because of course you know that idle time is important to their developing creativity and self-sufficiency. You finally feel confident in your role as a wise and nurturing parent.
And then, Ka-Blam! Suddenly they’re adolescents and the rules change. On the positive side, you don’t have to go to any more Disney movies. But on the down side… well, what do you do when they’re too old for the children’s museum and too young to get a job? The middle school mystery has been looming ever larger in our family this year, particularly over school vacations. An eighth-grader and a fifth-grader just don’t want to do kids activities any more – especially the eighth-grader.
Early adolescence is a conundrum, perhaps best summed up in the title of Anthony Wolf’s classic guide to parenting teens, “Get Out of my Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?” Community recreation departments and cultural organizations have largely ceded this age group to the schools. But not every child wants to or has the opportunity to be in a club or on a team. Middle schoolers crave their peers’ companionship, but it’s hard to find space for them to connect with each other while still being connected, even if less intensely, with the adults in their lives.
So it’s time to sit back and enjoy exploring this new territory. The middle school years are a wonderful time to watch your children develop as individuals. Sometimes that means just letting them figure out for themselves what to do with their free time.
You still have several years before your kids give you the pink slip as parent-in-chief. But your job will change, and it might not be a bad time to start adapting your repertoire. Time to start taking the kids to PG-13 movies that you want to see; to invite kids into your activities and interests; to reclaim a bit of your own life! They might not want to come along, but that’s OK too: You don’t need to get a sitter anymore.
Showing posts with label tweentoteen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tweentoteen. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Mind Your eManners
Don’t put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the Boston Globe, a former colleague of mine once advised. The lesson of “think before you send” is even more important for tweens and teens, now that a large portion of their social communication happens over the Internet.
My 13-year-old daughter and her friends learned that lesson the hard way. Instant messaging, or IM’ing as it's called, was the vehicle by which one girl’s feelings were badly hurt by another who sent an unintentionally harsh message. While the words in the message may have been honest, it was removed from the context, tone of voice and body language that are vital to meaningful communication. How we interact is more than just the facts, ma’am.
Back in the day, it was the occasional typewritten memo unintended for general distribution that got people in hot water. Or the recorded voice mail message that was inadvertently sent to the whole company instead of just the intended recipient.
Now, people can type (or text) and send their message to a recipient – or the world – faster than their better judgment can catch up with them. And once words are on the Internet, they take on a life of their own, which may be permanent. Corporate recruiters and admissions officers routinely peruse an applicant’s cyber life; and those party scenes and banter with friends might be a lot less hilarious to potential employers than to other students.
As parents, we worry about keeping our kids safe from online predators. But we need to emphasize an equally important fact of living in a wired world: Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t say in person – or that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the Boston Globe.
My 13-year-old daughter and her friends learned that lesson the hard way. Instant messaging, or IM’ing as it's called, was the vehicle by which one girl’s feelings were badly hurt by another who sent an unintentionally harsh message. While the words in the message may have been honest, it was removed from the context, tone of voice and body language that are vital to meaningful communication. How we interact is more than just the facts, ma’am.
Back in the day, it was the occasional typewritten memo unintended for general distribution that got people in hot water. Or the recorded voice mail message that was inadvertently sent to the whole company instead of just the intended recipient.
Now, people can type (or text) and send their message to a recipient – or the world – faster than their better judgment can catch up with them. And once words are on the Internet, they take on a life of their own, which may be permanent. Corporate recruiters and admissions officers routinely peruse an applicant’s cyber life; and those party scenes and banter with friends might be a lot less hilarious to potential employers than to other students.
As parents, we worry about keeping our kids safe from online predators. But we need to emphasize an equally important fact of living in a wired world: Don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t say in person – or that you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the Boston Globe.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Who was signed onto MySpace.com with your teen?
... Well according to http://www.myspace.com/ more than 29,000 registered sex offenders.
Earlier this spring, the very popular social networking site claimed they had found 7,000 registered sex offenders on its site. Today, the North Carolina attorney general's office, said the News Corp.-owned social-networking site actually put the number at more than four times that 7,000 number - 29,000.
MySpace.com began checking its registered-user list against a database of registered sex offenders, after several high-profiled crimes and court cases.
"That number includes just the predators who signed up using their real names, and not the ones who failed to register or used fake names, or who haven't been convicted," wrote the North Carolina Attorney General, who is one of several attorneys generals, including Massachusetts', working to slap restrictions on social networks.
MySpace said the 29,000 names have been deleted from its servers.
Bay State Parent magazine published an award-winning special report on sex offenders and online predators in its October 2006 issue. To read the report, visit: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2006/1001/Front_Page/ and click on Archived Articles.
The magazine has also published several follow-ups to this issue, including this one in May: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2007/0501/Articles/010.html
We will continue to stay on top of this important issue.
Earlier this spring, the very popular social networking site claimed they had found 7,000 registered sex offenders on its site. Today, the North Carolina attorney general's office, said the News Corp.-owned social-networking site actually put the number at more than four times that 7,000 number - 29,000.
MySpace.com began checking its registered-user list against a database of registered sex offenders, after several high-profiled crimes and court cases.
"That number includes just the predators who signed up using their real names, and not the ones who failed to register or used fake names, or who haven't been convicted," wrote the North Carolina Attorney General, who is one of several attorneys generals, including Massachusetts', working to slap restrictions on social networks.
MySpace said the 29,000 names have been deleted from its servers.
Bay State Parent magazine published an award-winning special report on sex offenders and online predators in its October 2006 issue. To read the report, visit: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2006/1001/Front_Page/ and click on Archived Articles.
The magazine has also published several follow-ups to this issue, including this one in May: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2007/0501/Articles/010.html
We will continue to stay on top of this important issue.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Talking To Tweens and Teens About the Virginia Tech Shooting Tragedy
In the wake of the recent shootings of at least 32 students on the campus of Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia, mental health experts at Bradley Hospital (www.bradleyhospital.org), the nation’s first psychiatric hospital for children and adolescents, recognize that one of the most difficult tasks a parent has to face is that of talking about tragedy with their children.
This can range from the death of a pet through the death of a family member, all the way to local or national tragedies they see or read about in the news.
“Kids gain mastery through repetition - they may ask repeatedly about the incident to gain understanding--parents and caregivers need to be prepared to answer the same questions over and over and using simple, honest, and age appropriate answers,” says Kelly Chasse, PhD, with the Bradley School in East Providence, RI.
She also suggests that parents stay away from using euphemisms when talking about death.
“Statements such as “resting in peace;” “passed on to another life;" “we lost her;” “she is no longer with us” are not helpful to children and are confusing.
Using the words death or died, although difficult for adults, will be more helpful to kids,” says Chasse.
1. Remember to consider the developmental level of your child: Teenagers understand the concept of death. It is important to provide honest and factual information when talking with teenagers about death. Couch these facts in as warm and supportive a framework as you can; for instance, with reassurances that you are going to be there for them. With teenagers, it is appropriate to give more information than you would a younger child.
2. Invite questions: Even if your teenager seem to understand what happened, remind them that they can ask you questions any time. Many times, teenagers take some time to process tragic events, and will not ask about them until later. Remind them that questions are okay.
3. Expect regression: In the wake of loss or tragic events, many teenagers will regress to earlier behaviors, particularly ones that are associated with comfort, such as seeking favorite toys, or wanting to sleep in the same room with their parents. These behaviors are normal coping mechanisms in the face of tragedy, and are no cause for alarm. Most teens will return to more age appropriate behaviors in 1 - 2 months after the event, and often much more rapidly. However, if these behaviors continue beyond this general time frame, consult your pediatrician. Particular attention should be paid to regressive behaviors that interfere with your teen’s functioning, such as excessive school refusal and sleep or appetite disturbance.
4. Teenagers express grief differently than adults: Teenagers are on their way to becoming adults, but it is important to remember that they are not yet adults. As teens try to make sense out of what has happened and they experience their grief, you may see anger, disobedience, and acting out behaviors. If you see this happening, it helps to sit down with your teenager and talk with them. Give them permission to experience their feelings and encourage them to express their feelings. Let them know that the intensity of feelings they are experiencing will not last forever.
5. Structure helps: One of the things that most help teenagers through tragic loss is a continuity of family structure and tradition. If at all possible, continue to do the things your family usually does - whether these are mealtimes, special games, or involvement in religious or cultural groups. While teens need to have the tragedy acknowledged, they also need to know that the world will go on.
6. Remember your own grief: Often, parents will try to repress their own feelings in order to stay strong for their teenagers. While it may not be helpful to grieve extensively in front of your child, it is very important to take care of yourself, and your own feelings of loss. Teenagers can easily sense when a parent is tense or anxious, and it is important to acknowledge your own pain and loss, and to get whatever help you need.
Finally, remember that tragedy is a part of every life - the job of parents is not to shield their teenagers from tragedy, but to help their teens become resilient enough to survive it. This is not often a job that anyone can do alone, and if you need help, ask for it, from friends, family, clergy, or helping professionals.
Chasse says that parents and caregivers should not be afraid of not having all of the answers.
“It’s okay to say “I don't know:” You are helping your children by letting them talk about their feelings and listening to them.”
Founded in 1931, Bradley Hospital (www.bradleyhospital.org) was the nation’s first psychiatric hospital operating exclusively for children. Today, it remains a premier medical institution devoted to the research and treatment of childhood psychiatric illnesses.
This can range from the death of a pet through the death of a family member, all the way to local or national tragedies they see or read about in the news.
“Kids gain mastery through repetition - they may ask repeatedly about the incident to gain understanding--parents and caregivers need to be prepared to answer the same questions over and over and using simple, honest, and age appropriate answers,” says Kelly Chasse, PhD, with the Bradley School in East Providence, RI.
She also suggests that parents stay away from using euphemisms when talking about death.
“Statements such as “resting in peace;” “passed on to another life;" “we lost her;” “she is no longer with us” are not helpful to children and are confusing.
Using the words death or died, although difficult for adults, will be more helpful to kids,” says Chasse.
1. Remember to consider the developmental level of your child: Teenagers understand the concept of death. It is important to provide honest and factual information when talking with teenagers about death. Couch these facts in as warm and supportive a framework as you can; for instance, with reassurances that you are going to be there for them. With teenagers, it is appropriate to give more information than you would a younger child.
2. Invite questions: Even if your teenager seem to understand what happened, remind them that they can ask you questions any time. Many times, teenagers take some time to process tragic events, and will not ask about them until later. Remind them that questions are okay.
3. Expect regression: In the wake of loss or tragic events, many teenagers will regress to earlier behaviors, particularly ones that are associated with comfort, such as seeking favorite toys, or wanting to sleep in the same room with their parents. These behaviors are normal coping mechanisms in the face of tragedy, and are no cause for alarm. Most teens will return to more age appropriate behaviors in 1 - 2 months after the event, and often much more rapidly. However, if these behaviors continue beyond this general time frame, consult your pediatrician. Particular attention should be paid to regressive behaviors that interfere with your teen’s functioning, such as excessive school refusal and sleep or appetite disturbance.
4. Teenagers express grief differently than adults: Teenagers are on their way to becoming adults, but it is important to remember that they are not yet adults. As teens try to make sense out of what has happened and they experience their grief, you may see anger, disobedience, and acting out behaviors. If you see this happening, it helps to sit down with your teenager and talk with them. Give them permission to experience their feelings and encourage them to express their feelings. Let them know that the intensity of feelings they are experiencing will not last forever.
5. Structure helps: One of the things that most help teenagers through tragic loss is a continuity of family structure and tradition. If at all possible, continue to do the things your family usually does - whether these are mealtimes, special games, or involvement in religious or cultural groups. While teens need to have the tragedy acknowledged, they also need to know that the world will go on.
6. Remember your own grief: Often, parents will try to repress their own feelings in order to stay strong for their teenagers. While it may not be helpful to grieve extensively in front of your child, it is very important to take care of yourself, and your own feelings of loss. Teenagers can easily sense when a parent is tense or anxious, and it is important to acknowledge your own pain and loss, and to get whatever help you need.
Finally, remember that tragedy is a part of every life - the job of parents is not to shield their teenagers from tragedy, but to help their teens become resilient enough to survive it. This is not often a job that anyone can do alone, and if you need help, ask for it, from friends, family, clergy, or helping professionals.
Chasse says that parents and caregivers should not be afraid of not having all of the answers.
“It’s okay to say “I don't know:” You are helping your children by letting them talk about their feelings and listening to them.”
Founded in 1931, Bradley Hospital (www.bradleyhospital.org) was the nation’s first psychiatric hospital operating exclusively for children. Today, it remains a premier medical institution devoted to the research and treatment of childhood psychiatric illnesses.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
NEW Massachusetts Teen Driving Laws Go Into Effect Saturday - March 31
For Shrewsbury High freshman Kate Dupuis, 15 1/2, her sweet 16 birthday will bring with it the excitement of knowing she's now eligible to apply for her learner driver's permit.
That's good news to people like Westborough High freshman Brianna Gross, who last fall emailed Massachusetts legislators expressing her disapproval of a plan to raise the state's legal driving age from 16-1/2 to 17-1/2.
But, although Kate will not have to wait any longer to get her license, it will take her longer to get it, thanks to a bill signed into law by outgoing governor Mitt Romney, the day before he left office.
Under the new law teens will need to spend 40 hours driving with a parent or guardian (30 hours if an advanced driver's education course is completed), a significant jump from the 12 hours currently required, and six extra hours behind the wheel with a qualified instructor. Those provisions take effect Sept. 1, nine days before Kate's 16th birthday.
"It's a lot more," she said, "but I kind of like it better. I notice even when I'm out with my mother, a lot of people do stupid things."
Parental Responsibility
Parents also will have to spend two hours in driver's ed. with their teens; a requirement Kate's mom Kelly Dupuis thinks will be "a pain in the neck," but also a good refresher course for adults who might have acquired bad habits throughout years of driving.
A separate provision, effective March 31, greatly increases penalties for teens, who speed, drag race, drive with passengers other than a parent or guardian during the first six months, or violate the rule against driving after midnight.
Violators of these rules, who have junior operator licenses or learner permits, will face longer suspensions - up to one year in several cases - and they (or their parents) will have to pay higher fines.
Bay State Parent freelance writer Jane Mackay's report on the new teen driver law can be read completely inside the March issue or can be viewed online at http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2007/0301/Articles/006.html
That's good news to people like Westborough High freshman Brianna Gross, who last fall emailed Massachusetts legislators expressing her disapproval of a plan to raise the state's legal driving age from 16-1/2 to 17-1/2.
But, although Kate will not have to wait any longer to get her license, it will take her longer to get it, thanks to a bill signed into law by outgoing governor Mitt Romney, the day before he left office.
Under the new law teens will need to spend 40 hours driving with a parent or guardian (30 hours if an advanced driver's education course is completed), a significant jump from the 12 hours currently required, and six extra hours behind the wheel with a qualified instructor. Those provisions take effect Sept. 1, nine days before Kate's 16th birthday.
"It's a lot more," she said, "but I kind of like it better. I notice even when I'm out with my mother, a lot of people do stupid things."
Parental Responsibility
Parents also will have to spend two hours in driver's ed. with their teens; a requirement Kate's mom Kelly Dupuis thinks will be "a pain in the neck," but also a good refresher course for adults who might have acquired bad habits throughout years of driving.
A separate provision, effective March 31, greatly increases penalties for teens, who speed, drag race, drive with passengers other than a parent or guardian during the first six months, or violate the rule against driving after midnight.
Violators of these rules, who have junior operator licenses or learner permits, will face longer suspensions - up to one year in several cases - and they (or their parents) will have to pay higher fines.
Bay State Parent freelance writer Jane Mackay's report on the new teen driver law can be read completely inside the March issue or can be viewed online at http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2007/0301/Articles/006.html
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Should the State Mandate Another Vaccine?
That's the battle about to take place at the State House sometime this spring. State Senator Richard T. Moore, a Democrat from Uxbridge, has filed legislation, that if passed into law, would require all Massachusetts sixth grade girls to be vaccinated for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). HPV is a sexually-transmitted virus that is one of the leading causes of cervical cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates that more than 11,000 cases of cervical cancer will be diagnosed this year. Annually, close to 4,000 women die from cervival cancer. Last year, drug company Merck received FDA approval for Gardasil, the first anti-cancer vaccine in the United States. Gardasil claims to prevent cervival cancer by targeting two of the major strains of HPV. The controversy is that for the vaccine to be effective it must be administered to girls before they become sexually-active, thus the state proposal for sixth graders to be vaccinated. Earlier this month, the governor of Texas signed into law a bill that would require girls in his state to be vaccinated. At least a half dozen other states are considering similiar laws, so the Bay State is not alone in pondering this health issue.
While the proposed legislation wouldl allow parents to opt their daughter out of the vaccine for religious reasons, some of the opponents to the legislation feel girls, ages 9-13, are just too young to have a conversation regarding sex and sexually-transmitted diseases.
.
In the January issue of Bay State Parent, local doctor Karen Sadler, outlined the pros and cons of this new vaccine for parents. You can read her analysis at: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2007/0101/Articles/013.html
In the December 2006 issue of Bay State Parent, Worcester-based doctor Mark Vining summarized all the new pre-teen vaccines now available, including this one. Read his report at: http://www.baystateparent.com/news/2006/1201/Articles/023.html
Please read both our reports carefully, ponder how it would affect your daughter, call your pediatrician if you have more questions, & then let your state representative & senator know your thoughts.
Parents, not government, should have the final say on this vaccine.
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